I can have it all!

The last couple of days I’ve been thinking about death quite a bit.  Not my death but the death of those around me.  Specifically my dad, sister, and my dog Leroy.  My dad and sister have had drug addictions for years now. Death has been running in the background for me.  Any time my phone rings from my mom I’m expecting it to be a call saying that one of them is dead.

My sister currently is in jail, which means she is most likely not using any drugs.  I think her drug of choice is heroin, but I’m not sure.  We haven’t talked much in the last couple of years.  It’s hard to get a real answer from someone who is trying to hide what is going on with them. I’m worried that when she gets out she’s going to go back to using heroin after not doing it for a month and overdose.  I see so much about people overdosing from using heroin, or they try to quit for a little bit, relapse and use as much as they were before but their bodies aren’t used to that much anymore, so it kills them.  My dad has had drug and alcohol addictions longer than I’ve been alive on top of that he takes horrible care of himself.  He looks like a walking skeleton and I’m actually amazed that he’s even still around.  It just goes to show just how amazing and resilient the human body is.

I have been on what I call a journey into my soul for quite a few years now, so whenever I find myself focusing on an energy or not wanting to look at an energy I tend to dive in deeper and ask myself why is this energy running for me now.  Kind of like leaving another window open on your computer and leaving it up all the time to constantly use up your battery.  When I asked myself that, what I came up with is the fear of being blind sided.  Not knowing what’s going to happen. Not being prepared for what can happen. Through out my life there have been many instances occurring that I never thought possible.  Getting a call from your sister late at night that she’s scared and needs you to pick her up because her and her boyfriend were just in a fight and he got the shit beat out of him, getting a call from your mom that she has to go to the hospital because your dad was found in his car slumped over from shooting up heroin, that your father drove his truck into the water while he was out fishing, your fathers in the hospital again, and the list goes on and on.  I realized that I’ve held on and saved these stories, so that I can be prepared for the worst, so that the next phone call I get is not a sucker punch that I wasn’t expecting.  I realized that if I’m thinking about them possibly dying then I will be prepared and it won’t hurt as much.  It’s really about protecting myself, but I have made it through all of these situations, so I know I can make it through the possibility of them dying.

Holding onto these old stories is not protection, it is causing me to hold a part of myself back and not be as fully engaged and turned on in my own personal life.  At one point this way of collecting these old stories may have helped me when I was younger for my own survival, or so I believed.  Now I have tools that I can use and my own personal foundation is becoming more and more solid as each day passes.  It is time for me to let these stories go.  They no longer serve me and I no longer need the protection.  These stories are heavy and frankly I’m done retelling them over and over. I’m ready to live my truth and an empowered life.  I CAN have it all!