F*ck being humble

I started taking singing lessons a few months ago, and this is one of the most uncomfortable things I have ever intentionally chosen to do. My voice has not been something I have always been comfortable with, and I don’t just mean my singing voice. Presentations in school were the absolute worst for me. Drama class was the very last class I would ever take.  I went from elementary all the way through graduating college with never raising my hand.  I was a pro at never making eye contact with my teachers by dropping my pen or “looking” for something in my bag.  The thought of everyone looking at me while I talked was torture almost every day of my life for 16 years.

Needless to say, taking singing lessons is not easy for me.  I also do not have a traditionally pretty voice.  There is something there, but it has never really been used so I find it difficult to feel ease and allow my voice to flow. I’ve found a great teacher who pushes me but does it in a fun and playful way. I am very self aware, so I will share with Marya what it is I’m feeling or scared of and every single time that’s what we do next. And every time I’m like dang it, why did I tell her.  I knew that’s what she would do next. She definitely is someone who sees a challenge and wants to go right into that space.

At our last session she asked me if I’ve ever broken through a fear or a struggle before.  I have, many times. So she suggested that I go for a walk and talk to the part of myself that breaks through and trusts. To ask myself why I am so scared of my voice.  This is my forte. I am great at having an awareness about something that I do, a learned behavior, a belief, or a limitation and looking at it and figuring out where or why this is happening in my life. Seeing the seed thought of where a belief was planted.

I went for my walk and asked my self why am I so scared of my voice and what I got back was how we’ve been taught to not be proud of ourselves or get excited and share our accomplishments. That’s being conceited or cocky. That it’s better to be humble and not show off our gifts. It creates jealousy and makes others feel less than.  You can be proud of yourself, but not too proud.  You can be happy about your accomplishments, but not too happy because then you’re being arrogant. You should always be humble.  Have you ever looked up the definition of humble? Well, I did, and this is the definition.

   adjective
adjective: humble; comparative adjective: humbler; superlative adjective: humblest
  1. 1.
    having or showing a modest or low estimate of one’s own importance.
    “he was humble about his stature as one of rock history’s most influential guitarists”
    antonyms: proudoverbearing
    • (of an action or thought) offered with or affected by a modest estimate of one’s own importance.
      “my humble apologies”
  2. 2.
    of low social, administrative, or political rank.
    “she came from a humble, unprivileged background”
    lowly, working-class, lower-class, poorundistinguishedmeanmodestignoblelow-bornplebeianunderprivileged
    antonyms: noble

I don’t know about you but humble does not feel like a very uplifting word.  I want to feel proud of myself and share with others my accomplishments, and I want for others to feel proud about themselves and share with me, so I can help celebrate you.  So I can tell you how amazing you are. How amazing I am. So I can go to my singing lessons or painting classes and allow myself to feel joyful that I’m doing this.  That I’m stepping outside of my comfort zone and I’m having fun in the process instead of playing small, scared and embarrassed. When the definition of the word is having or showing a modest or low estimate of one’s own worth, I say f*uck being humble. I want to be proud of myself and I want you to be proud of yourself. Share with me what your successes are.  Big or small, I want to hear it all and I want to feel overjoyed with you!

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I highly recommend looking up Marya Stark and checking out what she offers.  She has a beautiful voice and creates beautiful music, and is helping me break through in finding my voice.  You can listen to her on Soundcloud.

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Coming out of the spiritual closet

It’s funny, because most everyone I know, knows that I’m quite spiritual. I openly share view points, experiences, beliefs when people ask or in conversation, but I tend to keep quiet in a public way. I have had this big fear of being thought of as weird or crazy.  Being judged for my hippie ways. Because of this I have kept quiet. I only share one on one or when I feel safe. Which is an interesting thing because this is something that is a big part of me. It’s actually me. It’s what I love. It’s how I love living my life. I love chanting, singing, playing my crystal bowls, buying crystals, energy work, sound healing, having deep meaningful conversations about creation, love, energy.

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I’ve kept these parts of me separate and only share pieces at a time. This is my vulnerable space. This is the part of me that I feel so connected to who I am that I’m scared for it to get rejected, or thought of as weird. This is the part of me I love so much.

Bali was mine and Kieran’s 8 year wedding anniversary and 19 year dating anniversary, but more than that we were at a sound alchemy training. I’ve been interested in and playing with sound healing for a few years now, and it’s something I would like to do on a more regular basis with clients. I didn’t know what to expect with this training. I didn’t think about it much.  I just said yes. I knew it would push me way out of my comfort zone, and I do lots of things out of my comfort zone but I knew this one would really push me.

I’ve been very shy and scared to use my voice for as long as I can remember. Presentations in school were torture for me. If I was going to be late to a class in college I would skip it because I didn’t want everyone looking at me when I walked in. I went through all of school and college never raising my hand. I was scared to be seen, but even worse I was scared to be rejected while being seen.

The training was hard for me. I was scared and in fear for the first 7 out of 10 days. We would sit in a circle and take turns one by one singing or toning whatever was coming through for us.  I would cry every time during my turn. I’ve had a lot of judgement around my voice. It’s not pretty. I can’t sing. I don’t know what I’m doing. I haven’t felt fear like this in a very long time. Let alone on a regular basis. I was fine when we would sing together but alone was so scary for me, even though everyone was so nice and kind that was there.

I could feel my voice changing during the training. I could feel it in harmony. I could feel how I was starting to sing from my heart more than from my head. Finally on the second to last day we were all singing together and I just let go and my voice sounded more beautiful than I ever thought possible. I instantly started crying and looked to Kier and asked him if he heard that and he said yes. I have finally found my voice. It’s beautiful, it’s soft, and has more power behind it then I knew was possible. It’s still new to me, so it needs some practice. It’s like a rough diamond. It just needs some polishing and time and before I know it, it will be something special.

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