Hair today…gone tomorrow!

I got a new haircut almost 5 weeks ago, and as soon as I walked out of the hair salon I instantly started to feel self-conscious.  I felt like everyone was looking at me thinking why did she cut her hairIMG_3819 like that.  I felt my insecurities pop up directly in my face.  I instantly started to worry about what other people were going to think about me.  All the new people I’ve met down here, the new people I’ll meet thinking that I’m weird now.  I started getting worried that people wouldn’t think I was nice anymore, because “nice” girls don’t shave off 80% of their hair. “Nice” girls look pretty and don’t do anything edgy or things that could be considered out of the box.  The next morning I woke up and started crying and thought to myself what did I do?!?

Then I really started to look at how much I care what others IMG_3818think about me and how much I live my life based off of how others will react. I really had thought I was choosing MY life. If one little haircut can cause me to question my choices it made me realize that I still am allowing the world and those around me to shape my life.

I’ve also recently decided to let my natural grey roots grow out. I was very insecure about that for the first few months, because once again I’d bought into the belief that I have to look as young as possible and grey hair means I’m old. Yes, I am getting older and yes, I do happen to have a lot of grey hair (quite a bit more than most people my age.  I might even have more than my mom!) But I’m starting to realize that that does not mean I’m old, and so what if I am old?  Why do I care so much about looking old, or thought of as old?  What is so wrong with aging? Especially for women, why is it that women aren’t allowed to age the same way that men do?  That our value is based off of how young and sexy we look.  How good we look for our age. Like that is the most important thing.

When you’re young, you’re not always taken seriously.  You’re ideas can be looked at as unimportant because you’re young. What do you really know?!? You haven’t even lived life yet. You just can’t win either way. As a younger adult you’re not always taken seriously, but as you get older, looking younger is what’s important.

It’s funny how one hair cut shook up my whole reality.  Instead of instantly trying to hide my hair cut and start letting it grow out right away I decided to look at how much I really care what others think about me and just how much I actually choose things to make others happy, or to get another like on my Facebook picture. I chose to take this opportunity to see where I’m still not living my life based off of what I choose. I’m actually loving this new haircut.  It’s really low maintenance, I use very little shampoo and conditioner, and it’s quite cool when it’s a hot day out. Plus, I just think I look badass with it!

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Why can’t I have it all?!?

Recently my husband and I have gone through a huge transformation and healed and forgiven many years of old stories and pain.  We have never been better and connecting on such a deep intimate level.  So much love.  Everything I’ve been dreaming of.  We’ve stripped off our armor and put down our weapons, and are being so open and honest it feels amazing.

As much as I am loving this connection to him I am also noticing some fears coming up too. What do I do now that I’m so open and vulnerable if he should choose to leave?  I have no protection. This fear of possibly losing him while being so vulnerable is scary.  It feels like I would die if things were to change or go back to how they were.

Part of me feels like it would be safer if I just grabbed that armor and put it back on.  That feeling this amazing just isn’t worth the possibility of the pain. While I know this isn’t true.  I still have to acknowledge that I’m feeling and thinking these things. They are real to me. I feel it so deeply that sometimes it’s hard to breathe. My love for him is bursting out of me that it feels like I can barely contain it, which in itself is such a wonderful feeling but also very uncomfortable.

To be this seen and received is all I have been wanting but at the same time I have to keep stepping into uncomfortable places.  I have to be open and honest and share everything that is going on for me, everything I’m feeling, and thinking.  He has to be open to receive what I’m saying with out taking it personally and realizing it’s not about him, but being willing to listen to my guidance and requests and to honor them.  To see how valid they are for me and how much I need them.

Asking for what I want hasn’t always been easy for me.  I have this underlying belief that I never get what I want.  It started in childhood when there would be a certain gift that I wanted which might have been a little bit more expensive, but instead I got multiple things for the price of the one thing.  While getting multiple gifts is nice, all I really wanted was the one thing. I know my mom enjoyed having multiple gifts to give for me to open, but somewhere it started the belief that I don’t get what I want.

Right now I’m really struggling with how do I put myself out there in the world, make an income, without having to sacrifice my freedom and flexibility.  Having this wonderful love and support is really shining the spot light on this I never get what I want belief. Somewhere I feel like I need to sacrifice something in order to get something else that I want.  I have to sacrifice my time and freedom to start to generate an income. Or not have enough money if I want to keep my time and freedom.

Why must I sacrifice one thing for something else?  When did I buy into this belief that I can’t have it all?  That I can’t be happy and make more than enough money and not just to survive but to actually thrive. Thrive in my relationships, thrive in my job, thrive in abundance, thrive in the activities that bring me joy. I truly feel like life is meant to be lived.  Not just survived.  Live for every day, not just the weekends and holidays.  Every day is worth living.

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Accountability

For the past 8 years I have spent a lot of time with my thoughts and feelings. I spend the majority of my time alone and I tend to like it quiet, because of this I started to watch my thoughts and feel my feelings on a regular basis.  I’ve become pretty self aware and conscious about how things show up in my life.

I’ve always liked knowing how or why things are the way they are.  This includes me.  Once I started to become more conscious I started to realize that I can observe myself.  That I could watch my thoughts and feelings.  That I didn’t have to BE my thoughts and feelings. That I could ask myself questions as to why I do something a certain way or why I feel a certain way. I find that most people just answer it simply with that’s just how I am and leave it at.  But I like to take things apart.  I like to know where something came from.  Why something is a certain way. I’m going to be honest, it’s not always easy or fun.  There’s a lot of pain, sadness, anger underneath a lot of the patterns that some might say is their personality. It takes a lot of bravery to look at an old pattern and wound and to acknowledge it, investigate it, and choose something different.  It’s easy to fall into an old pattern or comfort zone, and play out the same story over and over.  To choose something different is where the real change happens

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In the last two days I’ve had two really big old wounds from two different people come up for me.  It made me feel anger where I wanted to lash out and say hurtful things.  I wanted to create as much pain in them, if not more to get them to see how hurtful it was to me.  To get them to not treat me a certain way ever again.  But fighting pain with more pain only creates more pain.  I could feel how I wanted to control them to make it not happen ever again. It’s this feeling of lashing out that doesn’t feel good to me, but on the other hand I feel like if I don’t hurt them and make them know this is unacceptable then they will do it to me again and won’t realize that it’s not ok.  So this has gotten me thinking about how can I share my truth about how I am feeling with out trying to hurt back?  How can I be honest and open with out being judgmental? I’m so over using control to get someone to change.  It doesn’t work. I can’t make someone change.  But what I can do is let them know that due to their choices and the things they said that it makes me feel a certain way and this is not ok. If you continue to act a certain way then you have to deal with the consequences of my choices.

People need to be held accountable.  It is not ok for others to just keep dumping their anger, sadness, and shit on each other. I’ve lived by the “treat others the way you would want to be treated” saying. IMG_1798 This has been a theme through out my life.  Unfortunately I don’t always get it back, and it is no longer ok.  I feel like I’m finally coming from the space of you are allowed to make your own choices and say and do whatever you want, but you need to be ok then with the choices I make to no longer keep allowing this in my life.

Holding people accountable isn’t the most pleasant place.  You have to feel deep into what it is that you are experiencing and tell them.  They may or may not listen, but what I’ve experienced the last two days is that when I feel deep into the pain and then share with them from that place what it does to me and how it makes me feel, they seem to actually hear me.  But it takes me being brave enough to feel the pain, to feel the vulnerability, and to then choose to respond in a different way.  To share the vulnerability instead of lashing out and trying to hurt back.

Because hurt people, hurt people.

 

Transitions

I’ve been in the space of transitions for awhile now.  First was the space of waiting to find a place so that we could move down to CA.  I had to sit in that space for about 2 months. Finally we found a place. Then it was the space of waiting to move our stuff. This transition wasn’t too hard for me because I had lots of good bye plans with friends and family that kept me occupied. Next was the transition of visiting my mother in law in Utah for 8 days.  This transition was the easiest.  It was during Thanksgiving and we went hiking, visited Moab, and ate delicious food.

While I was in Moab I kept thinking about what was so different about this transition then the transition of fiIMG_1148nding a place and moving. Why does this transition feel so much easier? I was still just hanging out waiting until we could move into our new house.  Yes, this time I had a mini vacation planned.  Yes, I did get to go visit some of the most beautiful areas on the planet.  Yes, I did get to go on some pretty cool hikes. But why could I find ease during this big change?  Why were the last two months so hard for me?

I think what it really came down to is that I had the security of knowing that we do have a place that we get to go to once this place of waiting was over.  The last two months I had no idea what was going to show up.  Would I be happy in this new place? Would we find a nice comparable house to what we live in now?  Will I have to make sacrifices and let go of some of the luxuries I enjoy?  Will I be able to find new friends?  Will I like the location of our new place?  Will the dogs be happy and safe in our new place? Lots of questions and fears about not getting what I want. (That’s entirely another blog I can write about.)

Letting go of trying to control the situation has been pretty challenging for me. I think most people like to be prepared for what’s coming next.  But how can we ever really be prepared and live in the moment?  I don’t know if that’s possible.  Right now I’m in another transition of waiting for all of our things to be delivered.  I want to put all of my things out in my house so badly right now.  I want to be able to decorate my house for Christmas time, but I can’t do it because nothing is here. I can feel myself wanting to be somewhere else then I am right now.  I’m anxious again.  I know that when I’m anxious that means I’m not present.  I know I’m not present because I’m wishing I was somewhere else and that something else was occurring.

I’ve been asking myself why is this transition so hard for me, when the 8 days in Utah weren’t?  What is actually different about this transition?  In both instances I’m still waiting. With Utah I was happy where I was and wasn’t trying to change anything.  I was in the moment.  I was enjoying nature and the beauty that was all around me.  I was calm and peaceful.  Right now, I’m uncomfortable.  I don’t have my things. I’m sleeping on an air mattress with elf-christmas-winter-wonderland-xmas-decorationsa sleeping bag.  I can’t get my new house settled.  We don’t have silverware or anything to cook with.  I so desperately want to decorate for Christmas.  I love Christmastime and I feel like I’m losing precious Christmas decoration time!  I’m worried that I don’t get to maximize the Christmas holiday.

To be honest neither really are different.  They’re both these in between places.  The only thing that’s different is the way that I’m looking at them.  In Utah I was adding up all the amazing things that I was seeing and doing and now I’m adding up all the discomforts.  That’s really the only difference. I’m uncomfortable and I’m trying to change it instead of just be in the discomfort and I’m also not allowing myself to see all the positive things around me.  I mean I just moved to the CA coast!  I took my dogs for a beautiful walk down to the ocean yesterday and only had to wear a light jacket because the weather is a perfect 62 and sunny.  Well, not today.  Today is actually raining, which I hear CA needs so I will be grateful for the rain.  I’m sure my new orange tree loves it!

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Surrender

Right now I’m in an uncomfortable place.  A space of in between… of not knowing.  I know we’re moving soon, but we haven’t found a place.  I’m ready to leave, but a home hasn’t shown up.  It’s this feeling of knowing that things are going to change, but it hasn’t yet.

Horse-Racing-starting-gateI feel like a race horse at the start of a race waiting for the gate to open to be let out to run.  There’s this build up of energy that I can’t do anything with just yet. I’m having to sit in this space of chomping at the bit but with nowhere to go. Inside of me I’m struggling to let go of the need to control. I want to get out of this space of not knowing.  From the outside I might look like I’m fine, but inside I’m like that race horse who is ready to go.  I’m stomping my feet, pulling on the reins, and gnawing on the bit.

There is a constant temper tantrum going on inside me almost all the time. This space of not knowing is driving me crazy. I break down into tears at least once a day, and it’s not just a few tears, it’s full on sobbing. I’m not even sure why I put on make-up right now.

Lately when I can somewhat quiet myself down I ask myself what it is that I need to do to shift this and I keep getting back to surrender.  Stop trying to make it happen.  Allow it to happen.  Allow it to show up.  Pull what I want to me, instead of always having to go out and get it.  Receive.

I grew up always working to get what I want, so I’m not sure I know how to surrender.  If I wanted something I had to do it. Buy it. Get it myself. If I want something done right, then I have to do it myself. It’s this feeling of always having to do everything myself. Why is it so hard to surrender and receive?? Why is working hard and always being busy glorified? It gets tiring after awhile and it is definitely not a lot of fun.

undertow-beach-lineI keep thinking about how if you get caught in an undertow, you’re supposed to just give up and relax and let the water take you instead of trying to fight against the current.  That if you relax the tide will carry you to calmer water where you can then get out, but if you fight to get out of it, you get stuck and waste all of your energy, and might not make it out. I can fight the undertow or I can surrender to it.

The silver lining is that nothing has happened yet.  Infinite possibilities are still here. Nothing has been chosen or defined for me, which means anything is possible. That, I do like the idea of. In the meantime while all things are possible I choose to surrender and trust the process.

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Following the Energy

I’ve been thinking a lot about change lately. I’m about to move from Seattle, WA down to Santa Cruz, CA within the next few weeks. There is an interesting calmness to picking up and moving again.  I’m noticing how this time I’m following something instead of trying to get away from something.  In all of the moving around from Seattle to Chicago, Chicago to Atlanta, and Atlanta back to Seattle I noticed how I kept moving away from discomfort. I would wait and get more and more uncomfortable until I couldn’t take it anymore and then I would choose something different.

In my spiritual community, I read and hear about how pain is a big motivator to get us to make change. It’s almost like its a way to justify all the pain that happens. Like we need pain in order to make a change. We need the bad to appreciate the good. I don’t agree that this is the only way to make a change.  For some reason a lot of people are scared of change.  Fear of the unknown. I get it, but the unknown is where possibilities and new experiences lie.

I was having a conversation with my friend Katie and I was talking about how what if we moved towards what it is that we want instead of moving away from what it is that we don’t want. We make a choice instead of react. There is a path laid out in front of us and if we quiet ourselves down we can see and hear the guidance that is being given to us.  You must be willing to be open to the new possibilities and be willing to follow it.  You have to let go of the ideas that you have planned out for yourself.

I realized in this conversation with Katie, that I allowed for myself to be open and to hear the guidance and doors opening up for me.  I had noticed awhile ago that I was starting to think about moving again.  The awareness started to come up, so I allowed it too.  I would bring up the idea of moving and think about it every once in awhile.  Where would I want to live? I allowed for the possibility to be there, and kept it in the background for awhile.

Back in May my father-in-law came to visit us and he had mentioned a few times to us that maybe we should move somewhere else again.  It was just in passing, conversation.  I took note, but didn’t put too much thought into it.  Then my mother-in-law moved down to southern Utah with her sister and while we were helping her pack up everything there was a few times that we let her know that she is always more then welcome to come and visit us in Seattle and each time she would say “if you’re even still there”.  I thought it was a funny thing for her to say, because we hadn’t really talked about moving or even thrown around possibilities, and we’d been back in Seattle for 5 years again and didn’t seem like we were leaving anytime soon.  I paid attention though.  I noticed that she said it a few times and so I started to think to myself, “well, if we’re not in Seattle, then where would we be?”

We also were going to have to move from the current house we are renting.  The owners are going to sell the house, so that also brought up the question of we have to move, so where do we want to move our stuff to? I noticed the possibilities that were presenting themselves and I opened the door.  I brought it up to Kier and then everything changed.  It was no longer a possibility that we were moving, it was going to happen.  We just needed to be open to where and when.  We wanted to move somewhere warmer, on the west coast close to the ocean, and somewhere with a laid back vibe.  We thought San Diego was the place for us.  It has everything we’re looking for and we have friends that live there.  Perfect.

About three weeks after we decided we’re going to move Kier gets a call from his boss who asks him if he’d be interested in a new position in the company he works for and if he’d be willing to relocate to……CALIFORNIA!  Kier interviewed for the job, loved what he would be doing and we said yes! We followed the energy and paid attention to the gentle nudges that were leading us.  Now we’re moving down to Santa Cruz, CA as soon as we find a new place to live.  Don’t get me wrong sadness and fear has definitely been coming up, but I just look at it and acknowledge it, but still choose to have what’s opening up in front of me.

I’m ready for a new adventure and I can feel it there down this path. I’m allowing the sense of wonderment to lead me, instead of having to be pushed or forced to move. The mantra of just keep placing one foot in front of the other and keep moving has been going through my head.  I can feel the expansiveness in the possibilities of moving.  I also have a clip from Zoolander that keeps going through my head that keeps me moving forward and to not get distracted by fears and what if’s that come up.  In this clip the beautiful people are the fears, and I need to just keep going straight and not allow myself to be pulled in the direction of the fears. My brain likes to find movie clips or song lyrics that will go through my head on repeat to help me to explain what I’m feeling or thinking. It helps me to not get too serious about myself sometimes.

I think it’s time that we connect deep into our selves and listen to the guidance that we are given.  It’s time to let go of the ideas of how we think our lives should be, and start to follow the energy of who we are.  What it is it that sets our souls on fire?  What experiences do you want to have? As Derek Zoolander would say…

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