Sometimes life just hurts so much.
Sometimes the tears start falling and it feels like they’re never going to stop.
Sometimes it hurts so deeply into the center of my being and I don’t know what to do with it.
Sometimes I see so much sadness that’s happening in the world and I don’t understand how or why these things could ever happen.
Sometimes I want to do nothing at all. Not get out of bed or create change in the world.
Sometimes I don’t know who I am or what I want to do with my life.
Sometimes I’m scared, confused, and unsure of myself and just want to crawl into bed and never come out.
Right now is one of the sometimes.
I’ve been in the space of transitions for awhile now. First was the space of waiting to find a place so that we could move down to CA. I had to sit in that space for about 2 months. Finally we found a place. Then it was the space of waiting to move our stuff. This transition wasn’t too hard for me because I had lots of good bye plans with friends and family that kept me occupied. Next was the transition of visiting my mother in law in Utah for 8 days. This transition was the easiest. It was during Thanksgiving and we went hiking, visited Moab, and ate delicious food.
While I was in Moab I kept thinking about what was so different about this transition then the transition of finding a place and moving. Why does this transition feel so much easier? I was still just hanging out waiting until we could move into our new house. Yes, this time I had a mini vacation planned. Yes, I did get to go visit some of the most beautiful areas on the planet. Yes, I did get to go on some pretty cool hikes. But why could I find ease during this big change? Why were the last two months so hard for me?
I think what it really came down to is that I had the security of knowing that we do have a place that we get to go to once this place of waiting was over. The last two months I had no idea what was going to show up. Would I be happy in this new place? Would we find a nice comparable house to what we live in now? Will I have to make sacrifices and let go of some of the luxuries I enjoy? Will I be able to find new friends? Will I like the location of our new place? Will the dogs be happy and safe in our new place? Lots of questions and fears about not getting what I want. (That’s entirely another blog I can write about.)
Letting go of trying to control the situation has been pretty challenging for me. I think most people like to be prepared for what’s coming next. But how can we ever really be prepared and live in the moment? I don’t know if that’s possible. Right now I’m in another transition of waiting for all of our things to be delivered. I want to put all of my things out in my house so badly right now. I want to be able to decorate my house for Christmas time, but I can’t do it because nothing is here. I can feel myself wanting to be somewhere else then I am right now. I’m anxious again. I know that when I’m anxious that means I’m not present. I know I’m not present because I’m wishing I was somewhere else and that something else was occurring.
I’ve been asking myself why is this transition so hard for me, when the 8 days in Utah weren’t? What is actually different about this transition? In both instances I’m still waiting. With Utah I was happy where I was and wasn’t trying to change anything. I was in the moment. I was enjoying nature and the beauty that was all around me. I was calm and peaceful. Right now, I’m uncomfortable. I don’t have my things. I’m sleeping on an air mattress with a sleeping bag. I can’t get my new house settled. We don’t have silverware or anything to cook with. I so desperately want to decorate for Christmas. I love Christmastime and I feel like I’m losing precious Christmas decoration time! I’m worried that I don’t get to maximize the Christmas holiday.
To be honest neither really are different. They’re both these in between places. The only thing that’s different is the way that I’m looking at them. In Utah I was adding up all the amazing things that I was seeing and doing and now I’m adding up all the discomforts. That’s really the only difference. I’m uncomfortable and I’m trying to change it instead of just be in the discomfort and I’m also not allowing myself to see all the positive things around me. I mean I just moved to the CA coast! I took my dogs for a beautiful walk down to the ocean yesterday and only had to wear a light jacket because the weather is a perfect 62 and sunny. Well, not today. Today is actually raining, which I hear CA needs so I will be grateful for the rain. I’m sure my new orange tree loves it!