For the past 8 years I have spent a lot of time with my thoughts and feelings. I spend the majority of my time alone and I tend to like it quiet, because of this I started to watch my thoughts and feel my feelings on a regular basis. I’ve become pretty self aware and conscious about how things show up in my life.
I’ve always liked knowing how or why things are the way they are. This includes me. Once I started to become more conscious I started to realize that I can observe myself. That I could watch my thoughts and feelings. That I didn’t have to BE my thoughts and feelings. That I could ask myself questions as to why I do something a certain way or why I feel a certain way. I find that most people just answer it simply with that’s just how I am and leave it at. But I like to take things apart. I like to know where something came from. Why something is a certain way. I’m going to be honest, it’s not always easy or fun. There’s a lot of pain, sadness, anger underneath a lot of the patterns that some might say is their personality. It takes a lot of bravery to look at an old pattern and wound and to acknowledge it, investigate it, and choose something different. It’s easy to fall into an old pattern or comfort zone, and play out the same story over and over. To choose something different is where the real change happens
In the last two days I’ve had two really big old wounds from two different people come up for me. It made me feel anger where I wanted to lash out and say hurtful things. I wanted to create as much pain in them, if not more to get them to see how hurtful it was to me. To get them to not treat me a certain way ever again. But fighting pain with more pain only creates more pain. I could feel how I wanted to control them to make it not happen ever again. It’s this feeling of lashing out that doesn’t feel good to me, but on the other hand I feel like if I don’t hurt them and make them know this is unacceptable then they will do it to me again and won’t realize that it’s not ok. So this has gotten me thinking about how can I share my truth about how I am feeling with out trying to hurt back? How can I be honest and open with out being judgmental? I’m so over using control to get someone to change. It doesn’t work. I can’t make someone change. But what I can do is let them know that due to their choices and the things they said that it makes me feel a certain way and this is not ok. If you continue to act a certain way then you have to deal with the consequences of my choices.
People need to be held accountable. It is not ok for others to just keep dumping their anger, sadness, and shit on each other. I’ve lived by the “treat others the way you would want to be treated” saying. This has been a theme through out my life. Unfortunately I don’t always get it back, and it is no longer ok. I feel like I’m finally coming from the space of you are allowed to make your own choices and say and do whatever you want, but you need to be ok then with the choices I make to no longer keep allowing this in my life.
Holding people accountable isn’t the most pleasant place. You have to feel deep into what it is that you are experiencing and tell them. They may or may not listen, but what I’ve experienced the last two days is that when I feel deep into the pain and then share with them from that place what it does to me and how it makes me feel, they seem to actually hear me. But it takes me being brave enough to feel the pain, to feel the vulnerability, and to then choose to respond in a different way. To share the vulnerability instead of lashing out and trying to hurt back.
Because hurt people, hurt people.