It’s funny, because most everyone I know, knows that I’m quite spiritual. I openly share view points, experiences, beliefs when people ask or in conversation, but I tend to keep quiet in a public way. I have had this big fear of being thought of as weird or crazy. Being judged for my hippie ways. Because of this I have kept quiet. I only share one on one or when I feel safe. Which is an interesting thing because this is something that is a big part of me. It’s actually me. It’s what I love. It’s how I love living my life. I love chanting, singing, playing my crystal bowls, buying crystals, energy work, sound healing, having deep meaningful conversations about creation, love, energy.
I’ve kept these parts of me separate and only share pieces at a time. This is my vulnerable space. This is the part of me that I feel so connected to who I am that I’m scared for it to get rejected, or thought of as weird. This is the part of me I love so much.
Bali was mine and Kieran’s 8 year wedding anniversary and 19 year dating anniversary, but more than that we were at a sound alchemy training. I’ve been interested in and playing with sound healing for a few years now, and it’s something I would like to do on a more regular basis with clients. I didn’t know what to expect with this training. I didn’t think about it much. I just said yes. I knew it would push me way out of my comfort zone, and I do lots of things out of my comfort zone but I knew this one would really push me.
I’ve been very shy and scared to use my voice for as long as I can remember. Presentations in school were torture for me. If I was going to be late to a class in college I would skip it because I didn’t want everyone looking at me when I walked in. I went through all of school and college never raising my hand. I was scared to be seen, but even worse I was scared to be rejected while being seen.
The training was hard for me. I was scared and in fear for the first 7 out of 10 days. We would sit in a circle and take turns one by one singing or toning whatever was coming through for us. I would cry every time during my turn. I’ve had a lot of judgement around my voice. It’s not pretty. I can’t sing. I don’t know what I’m doing. I haven’t felt fear like this in a very long time. Let alone on a regular basis. I was fine when we would sing together but alone was so scary for me, even though everyone was so nice and kind that was there.
I could feel my voice changing during the training. I could feel it in harmony. I could feel how I was starting to sing from my heart more than from my head. Finally on the second to last day we were all singing together and I just let go and my voice sounded more beautiful than I ever thought possible. I instantly started crying and looked to Kier and asked him if he heard that and he said yes. I have finally found my voice. It’s beautiful, it’s soft, and has more power behind it then I knew was possible. It’s still new to me, so it needs some practice. It’s like a rough diamond. It just needs some polishing and time and before I know it, it will be something special.