Why can’t I have it all?!?

Recently my husband and I have gone through a huge transformation and healed and forgiven many years of old stories and pain.  We have never been better and connecting on such a deep intimate level.  So much love.  Everything I’ve been dreaming of.  We’ve stripped off our armor and put down our weapons, and are being so open and honest it feels amazing.

As much as I am loving this connection to him I am also noticing some fears coming up too. What do I do now that I’m so open and vulnerable if he should choose to leave?  I have no protection. This fear of possibly losing him while being so vulnerable is scary.  It feels like I would die if things were to change or go back to how they were.

Part of me feels like it would be safer if I just grabbed that armor and put it back on.  That feeling this amazing just isn’t worth the possibility of the pain. While I know this isn’t true.  I still have to acknowledge that I’m feeling and thinking these things. They are real to me. I feel it so deeply that sometimes it’s hard to breathe. My love for him is bursting out of me that it feels like I can barely contain it, which in itself is such a wonderful feeling but also very uncomfortable.

To be this seen and received is all I have been wanting but at the same time I have to keep stepping into uncomfortable places.  I have to be open and honest and share everything that is going on for me, everything I’m feeling, and thinking.  He has to be open to receive what I’m saying with out taking it personally and realizing it’s not about him, but being willing to listen to my guidance and requests and to honor them.  To see how valid they are for me and how much I need them.

Asking for what I want hasn’t always been easy for me.  I have this underlying belief that I never get what I want.  It started in childhood when there would be a certain gift that I wanted which might have been a little bit more expensive, but instead I got multiple things for the price of the one thing.  While getting multiple gifts is nice, all I really wanted was the one thing. I know my mom enjoyed having multiple gifts to give for me to open, but somewhere it started the belief that I don’t get what I want.

Right now I’m really struggling with how do I put myself out there in the world, make an income, without having to sacrifice my freedom and flexibility.  Having this wonderful love and support is really shining the spot light on this I never get what I want belief. Somewhere I feel like I need to sacrifice something in order to get something else that I want.  I have to sacrifice my time and freedom to start to generate an income. Or not have enough money if I want to keep my time and freedom.

Why must I sacrifice one thing for something else?  When did I buy into this belief that I can’t have it all?  That I can’t be happy and make more than enough money and not just to survive but to actually thrive. Thrive in my relationships, thrive in my job, thrive in abundance, thrive in the activities that bring me joy. I truly feel like life is meant to be lived.  Not just survived.  Live for every day, not just the weekends and holidays.  Every day is worth living.

IMG_8314

Advertisements