Sometimes life just hurts so much. 

Sometimes the tears start falling and it feels like they’re never going to stop. 

Sometimes it hurts so deeply into the center of my being and I don’t know what to do with it. 

Sometimes I see so much sadness that’s happening in the world and I don’t understand how or why these things could ever happen. 

Sometimes I want to do nothing at all. Not get out of bed or create change in the world. 

Sometimes I don’t know who I am or what I want to do with my life. 

Sometimes I’m scared, confused, and unsure of myself and just want to crawl into bed and never come out. 

Right now is one of the sometimes. 



I’ve been in the space of transitions for awhile now.  First was the space of waiting to find a place so that we could move down to CA.  I had to sit in that space for about 2 months. Finally we found a place. Then it was the space of waiting to move our stuff. This transition wasn’t too hard for me because I had lots of good bye plans with friends and family that kept me occupied. Next was the transition of visiting my mother in law in Utah for 8 days.  This transition was the easiest.  It was during Thanksgiving and we went hiking, visited Moab, and ate delicious food.

While I was in Moab I kept thinking about what was so different about this transition then the transition of fiIMG_1148nding a place and moving. Why does this transition feel so much easier? I was still just hanging out waiting until we could move into our new house.  Yes, this time I had a mini vacation planned.  Yes, I did get to go visit some of the most beautiful areas on the planet.  Yes, I did get to go on some pretty cool hikes. But why could I find ease during this big change?  Why were the last two months so hard for me?

I think what it really came down to is that I had the security of knowing that we do have a place that we get to go to once this place of waiting was over.  The last two months I had no idea what was going to show up.  Would I be happy in this new place? Would we find a nice comparable house to what we live in now?  Will I have to make sacrifices and let go of some of the luxuries I enjoy?  Will I be able to find new friends?  Will I like the location of our new place?  Will the dogs be happy and safe in our new place? Lots of questions and fears about not getting what I want. (That’s entirely another blog I can write about.)

Letting go of trying to control the situation has been pretty challenging for me. I think most people like to be prepared for what’s coming next.  But how can we ever really be prepared and live in the moment?  I don’t know if that’s possible.  Right now I’m in another transition of waiting for all of our things to be delivered.  I want to put all of my things out in my house so badly right now.  I want to be able to decorate my house for Christmas time, but I can’t do it because nothing is here. I can feel myself wanting to be somewhere else then I am right now.  I’m anxious again.  I know that when I’m anxious that means I’m not present.  I know I’m not present because I’m wishing I was somewhere else and that something else was occurring.

I’ve been asking myself why is this transition so hard for me, when the 8 days in Utah weren’t?  What is actually different about this transition?  In both instances I’m still waiting. With Utah I was happy where I was and wasn’t trying to change anything.  I was in the moment.  I was enjoying nature and the beauty that was all around me.  I was calm and peaceful.  Right now, I’m uncomfortable.  I don’t have my things. I’m sleeping on an air mattress with elf-christmas-winter-wonderland-xmas-decorationsa sleeping bag.  I can’t get my new house settled.  We don’t have silverware or anything to cook with.  I so desperately want to decorate for Christmas.  I love Christmastime and I feel like I’m losing precious Christmas decoration time!  I’m worried that I don’t get to maximize the Christmas holiday.

To be honest neither really are different.  They’re both these in between places.  The only thing that’s different is the way that I’m looking at them.  In Utah I was adding up all the amazing things that I was seeing and doing and now I’m adding up all the discomforts.  That’s really the only difference. I’m uncomfortable and I’m trying to change it instead of just be in the discomfort and I’m also not allowing myself to see all the positive things around me.  I mean I just moved to the CA coast!  I took my dogs for a beautiful walk down to the ocean yesterday and only had to wear a light jacket because the weather is a perfect 62 and sunny.  Well, not today.  Today is actually raining, which I hear CA needs so I will be grateful for the rain.  I’m sure my new orange tree loves it!

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Right now I’m in an uncomfortable place.  A space of in between… of not knowing.  I know we’re moving soon, but we haven’t found a place.  I’m ready to leave, but a home hasn’t shown up.  It’s this feeling of knowing that things are going to change, but it hasn’t yet.

Horse-Racing-starting-gateI feel like a race horse at the start of a race waiting for the gate to open to be let out to run.  There’s this build up of energy that I can’t do anything with just yet. I’m having to sit in this space of chomping at the bit but with nowhere to go. Inside of me I’m struggling to let go of the need to control. I want to get out of this space of not knowing.  From the outside I might look like I’m fine, but inside I’m like that race horse who is ready to go.  I’m stomping my feet, pulling on the reins, and gnawing on the bit.

There is a constant temper tantrum going on inside me almost all the time. This space of not knowing is driving me crazy. I break down into tears at least once a day, and it’s not just a few tears, it’s full on sobbing. I’m not even sure why I put on make-up right now.

Lately when I can somewhat quiet myself down I ask myself what it is that I need to do to shift this and I keep getting back to surrender.  Stop trying to make it happen.  Allow it to happen.  Allow it to show up.  Pull what I want to me, instead of always having to go out and get it.  Receive.

I grew up always working to get what I want, so I’m not sure I know how to surrender.  If I wanted something I had to do it. Buy it. Get it myself. If I want something done right, then I have to do it myself. It’s this feeling of always having to do everything myself. Why is it so hard to surrender and receive?? Why is working hard and always being busy glorified? It gets tiring after awhile and it is definitely not a lot of fun.

undertow-beach-lineI keep thinking about how if you get caught in an undertow, you’re supposed to just give up and relax and let the water take you instead of trying to fight against the current.  That if you relax the tide will carry you to calmer water where you can then get out, but if you fight to get out of it, you get stuck and waste all of your energy, and might not make it out. I can fight the undertow or I can surrender to it.

The silver lining is that nothing has happened yet.  Infinite possibilities are still here. Nothing has been chosen or defined for me, which means anything is possible. That, I do like the idea of. In the meantime while all things are possible I choose to surrender and trust the process.


Following the Energy

I’ve been thinking a lot about change lately. I’m about to move from Seattle, WA down to Santa Cruz, CA within the next few weeks. There is an interesting calmness to picking up and moving again.  I’m noticing how this time I’m following something instead of trying to get away from something.  In all of the moving around from Seattle to Chicago, Chicago to Atlanta, and Atlanta back to Seattle I noticed how I kept moving away from discomfort. I would wait and get more and more uncomfortable until I couldn’t take it anymore and then I would choose something different.

In my spiritual community, I read and hear about how pain is a big motivator to get us to make change. It’s almost like its a way to justify all the pain that happens. Like we need pain in order to make a change. We need the bad to appreciate the good. I don’t agree that this is the only way to make a change.  For some reason a lot of people are scared of change.  Fear of the unknown. I get it, but the unknown is where possibilities and new experiences lie.

I was having a conversation with my friend Katie and I was talking about how what if we moved towards what it is that we want instead of moving away from what it is that we don’t want. We make a choice instead of react. There is a path laid out in front of us and if we quiet ourselves down we can see and hear the guidance that is being given to us.  You must be willing to be open to the new possibilities and be willing to follow it.  You have to let go of the ideas that you have planned out for yourself.

I realized in this conversation with Katie, that I allowed for myself to be open and to hear the guidance and doors opening up for me.  I had noticed awhile ago that I was starting to think about moving again.  The awareness started to come up, so I allowed it too.  I would bring up the idea of moving and think about it every once in awhile.  Where would I want to live? I allowed for the possibility to be there, and kept it in the background for awhile.

Back in May my father-in-law came to visit us and he had mentioned a few times to us that maybe we should move somewhere else again.  It was just in passing, conversation.  I took note, but didn’t put too much thought into it.  Then my mother-in-law moved down to southern Utah with her sister and while we were helping her pack up everything there was a few times that we let her know that she is always more then welcome to come and visit us in Seattle and each time she would say “if you’re even still there”.  I thought it was a funny thing for her to say, because we hadn’t really talked about moving or even thrown around possibilities, and we’d been back in Seattle for 5 years again and didn’t seem like we were leaving anytime soon.  I paid attention though.  I noticed that she said it a few times and so I started to think to myself, “well, if we’re not in Seattle, then where would we be?”

We also were going to have to move from the current house we are renting.  The owners are going to sell the house, so that also brought up the question of we have to move, so where do we want to move our stuff to? I noticed the possibilities that were presenting themselves and I opened the door.  I brought it up to Kier and then everything changed.  It was no longer a possibility that we were moving, it was going to happen.  We just needed to be open to where and when.  We wanted to move somewhere warmer, on the west coast close to the ocean, and somewhere with a laid back vibe.  We thought San Diego was the place for us.  It has everything we’re looking for and we have friends that live there.  Perfect.

About three weeks after we decided we’re going to move Kier gets a call from his boss who asks him if he’d be interested in a new position in the company he works for and if he’d be willing to relocate to……CALIFORNIA!  Kier interviewed for the job, loved what he would be doing and we said yes! We followed the energy and paid attention to the gentle nudges that were leading us.  Now we’re moving down to Santa Cruz, CA as soon as we find a new place to live.  Don’t get me wrong sadness and fear has definitely been coming up, but I just look at it and acknowledge it, but still choose to have what’s opening up in front of me.

I’m ready for a new adventure and I can feel it there down this path. I’m allowing the sense of wonderment to lead me, instead of having to be pushed or forced to move. The mantra of just keep placing one foot in front of the other and keep moving has been going through my head.  I can feel the expansiveness in the possibilities of moving.  I also have a clip from Zoolander that keeps going through my head that keeps me moving forward and to not get distracted by fears and what if’s that come up.  In this clip the beautiful people are the fears, and I need to just keep going straight and not allow myself to be pulled in the direction of the fears. My brain likes to find movie clips or song lyrics that will go through my head on repeat to help me to explain what I’m feeling or thinking. It helps me to not get too serious about myself sometimes.

I think it’s time that we connect deep into our selves and listen to the guidance that we are given.  It’s time to let go of the ideas of how we think our lives should be, and start to follow the energy of who we are.  What it is it that sets our souls on fire?  What experiences do you want to have? As Derek Zoolander would say…


I can have it all!

The last couple of days I’ve been thinking about death quite a bit.  Not my death but the death of those around me.  Specifically my dad, sister, and my dog Leroy.  My dad and sister have had drug addictions for years now. Death has been running in the background for me.  Any time my phone rings from my mom I’m expecting it to be a call saying that one of them is dead.

My sister currently is in jail, which means she is most likely not using any drugs.  I think her drug of choice is heroin, but I’m not sure.  We haven’t talked much in the last couple of years.  It’s hard to get a real answer from someone who is trying to hide what is going on with them. I’m worried that when she gets out she’s going to go back to using heroin after not doing it for a month and overdose.  I see so much about people overdosing from using heroin, or they try to quit for a little bit, relapse and use as much as they were before but their bodies aren’t used to that much anymore, so it kills them.  My dad has had drug and alcohol addictions longer than I’ve been alive on top of that he takes horrible care of himself.  He looks like a walking skeleton and I’m actually amazed that he’s even still around.  It just goes to show just how amazing and resilient the human body is.

photo 4-2I have been on what I call a journey into my soul for quite a few years now, so whenever I find myself focusing on an energy or not wanting to look at an energy I tend to dive in deeper and ask myself why is this energy running for me now.  Kind of like leaving another window open on your computer and leaving it up all the time to constantly use up your battery.  When I asked myself that, what I came up with is the fear of being blind sided.  Not knowing what’s going to happen. Not being prepared for what can happen. Through out my life there have been many instances occurring that I never thought possible.  Getting a call from your sister late at night that she’s scared and needs you to pick her up because her and her boyfriend were just in a fight and he got the shit beat out of him, getting a call from your mom that she has to go to the hospital because your dad was found in his car slumped over from shooting up heroin, that your father drove his truck into the water while he was out fishing, your fathers in the hospital again, and the list goes on and on.  I realized that I’ve held on and saved these stories, so that I can be prepared for the worst, so that the next phone call I get is not a sucker punch that I wasn’t expecting.  I realized that if I’m thinking about them possibly dying then I will be prepared and it won’t hurt as much.  It’s really about protecting myself, but I have made it through all of these situations, so I know I can make it through the possibility of them dying.

photo 1-9Holding onto these old stories is not protection, it is causing me to hold a part of myself back and not be as fully engaged and turned on in my own personal life.  At one point this way of collecting these old stories may have helped me when I was younger for my own survival, or so I believed.  Now I have tools that I can use and my own personal foundation is becoming more and more solid as each day passes.  It is time for me to let these stories go.  They no longer serve me and I no longer need the protection.  These stories are heavy and frankly I’m done retelling them over and over. I’m ready to live my truth and an empowered life.  I CAN have it all!