Coming out of the spiritual closet

It’s funny, because most everyone I know, knows that I’m quite spiritual. I openly share view points, experiences, beliefs when people ask or in conversation, but I tend to keep quiet in a public way. I have had this big fear of being thought of as weird or crazy.  Being judged for my hippie ways. Because of this I have kept quiet. I only share one on one or when I feel safe. Which is an interesting thing because this is something that is a big part of me. It’s actually me. It’s what I love. It’s how I love living my life. I love chanting, singing, playing my crystal bowls, buying crystals, energy work, sound healing, having deep meaningful conversations about creation, love, energy.

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I’ve kept these parts of me separate and only share pieces at a time. This is my vulnerable space. This is the part of me that I feel so connected to who I am that I’m scared for it to get rejected, or thought of as weird. This is the part of me I love so much.

Bali was mine and Kieran’s 8 year wedding anniversary and 19 year dating anniversary, but more than that we were at a sound alchemy training. I’ve been interested in and playing with sound healing for a few years now, and it’s something I would like to do on a more regular basis with clients. I didn’t know what to expect with this training. I didn’t think about it much.  I just said yes. I knew it would push me way out of my comfort zone, and I do lots of things out of my comfort zone but I knew this one would really push me.

I’ve been very shy and scared to use my voice for as long as I can remember. Presentations in school were torture for me. If I was going to be late to a class in college I would skip it because I didn’t want everyone looking at me when I walked in. I went through all of school and college never raising my hand. I was scared to be seen, but even worse I was scared to be rejected while being seen.

The training was hard for me. I was scared and in fear for the first 7 out of 10 days. We would sit in a circle and take turns one by one singing or toning whatever was coming through for us.  I would cry every time during my turn. I’ve had a lot of judgement around my voice. It’s not pretty. I can’t sing. I don’t know what I’m doing. I haven’t felt fear like this in a very long time. Let alone on a regular basis. I was fine when we would sing together but alone was so scary for me, even though everyone was so nice and kind that was there.

I could feel my voice changing during the training. I could feel it in harmony. I could feel how I was starting to sing from my heart more than from my head. Finally on the second to last day we were all singing together and I just let go and my voice sounded more beautiful than I ever thought possible. I instantly started crying and looked to Kier and asked him if he heard that and he said yes. I have finally found my voice. It’s beautiful, it’s soft, and has more power behind it then I knew was possible. It’s still new to me, so it needs some practice. It’s like a rough diamond. It just needs some polishing and time and before I know it, it will be something special.

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6 thoughts on “Coming out of the spiritual closet

  1. i never knew “sound alchemy training” was a thing, so I just learned something new. I just ordered my first crystal quartz bowl last night (10″, F note/ chakra bowl). I go to sound healing classes regularly and I love how it raises my vibration.

    Like

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