Surrender

Right now I’m in an uncomfortable place.  A space of in between… of not knowing.  I know we’re moving soon, but we haven’t found a place.  I’m ready to leave, but a home hasn’t shown up.  It’s this feeling of knowing that things are going to change, but it hasn’t yet.

Horse-Racing-starting-gateI feel like a race horse at the start of a race waiting for the gate to open to be let out to run.  There’s this build up of energy that I can’t do anything with just yet. I’m having to sit in this space of chomping at the bit but with nowhere to go. Inside of me I’m struggling to let go of the need to control. I want to get out of this space of not knowing.  From the outside I might look like I’m fine, but inside I’m like that race horse who is ready to go.  I’m stomping my feet, pulling on the reins, and gnawing on the bit.

There is a constant temper tantrum going on inside me almost all the time. This space of not knowing is driving me crazy. I break down into tears at least once a day, and it’s not just a few tears, it’s full on sobbing. I’m not even sure why I put on make-up right now.

Lately when I can somewhat quiet myself down I ask myself what it is that I need to do to shift this and I keep getting back to surrender.  Stop trying to make it happen.  Allow it to happen.  Allow it to show up.  Pull what I want to me, instead of always having to go out and get it.  Receive.

I grew up always working to get what I want, so I’m not sure I know how to surrender.  If I wanted something I had to do it. Buy it. Get it myself. If I want something done right, then I have to do it myself. It’s this feeling of always having to do everything myself. Why is it so hard to surrender and receive?? Why is working hard and always being busy glorified? It gets tiring after awhile and it is definitely not a lot of fun.

undertow-beach-lineI keep thinking about how if you get caught in an undertow, you’re supposed to just give up and relax and let the water take you instead of trying to fight against the current.  That if you relax the tide will carry you to calmer water where you can then get out, but if you fight to get out of it, you get stuck and waste all of your energy, and might not make it out. I can fight the undertow or I can surrender to it.

The silver lining is that nothing has happened yet.  Infinite possibilities are still here. Nothing has been chosen or defined for me, which means anything is possible. That, I do like the idea of. In the meantime while all things are possible I choose to surrender and trust the process.

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